Fear, or love? I am not sure which motivation is stronger in my life. Sometimes I think it just depends on the day.
Whatever the case, I found myself sitting and talking to our local priest yesterday about some of my recent struggles, and when he asked about my prayer life, my answer was a bit unusual - even for me:
"Let me just explain it this way: I often wondered what the concept of women being saved by childbirth could possibly mean. I think I have developed a personal theory about this over the last several weeks. I've already felt so overwhelmed by love and concern for this tiny person inside of me, that while I am not particularly disciplined about when and how and what, I am praying much more often these days. At night, I pray specific prayers, but I also find myself praying extemporaneously throughout the day. I can only imagine how a mother's love grows and intensifies, and how this desperate longing for safety and protection of another life grows, when she has given birth and has a child in her arms."
It's true, I think... at least in my life. If I find salvation - I mean genuine transformation of my life, not simply a hope that God will keep on forgiving as quickly as I keep on sinning - then I can see how motherhood will be a huge catalyst.
The last year has been characterized by sorrow, anger and apathy, for the most part. It's not that life's circumstances warranted that, really. We've had real difficulties, but I am reminded daily that others suffer much more than I do - and often with a great deal more grace. I am very blessed in many respects, and I know it. I'm also, though, not a person of great faith. I find myself, in moments when I am honestly contemplating my spiritual self, having to repeat the same old refrain: "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!" And, honestly, sometimes the unbelief wins in my heart.
Nothing has moved me to prayer and towards spiritual things more than the recognition that I cannot focus exclusively on myself, or even my marriage, anymore. At this moment, a little person depends on my body for its life -- my body, which is the temple of the Holy Spirit. A little person will depend, Lord willing, on my life and example, for spiritual, moral, physical and every other kind of health for many years to come -- my life, which is likely to be one of the most prominent exemplars of Christianity that this child will encounter from the moment it takes its first breath of air.
No pressure.
In the face of it all, I don't know what other response to have, other than to fall to my knees, either literally or figuratively, and pray that my own life can be redeemed, and that this innocent will be sheltered and protected in spite of the failings of its mother.
Theologians can tell me what salvation through childbirth really means Biblically and practically. My heart tells me that this is the day of salvation. Now is the acceptable time... to be driven to my knees.
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Considering that I'd heard of enough commentary that women could ONLY enter the kingdom by submitting to a man - any man - and enduring the repeated wear and tear on the body that pregnancy brings, your opinion is a hurricane of fresh air. (Such opinions ring like such wear and tear is due punishment for the sin of Eve.)
None of the MCP or radical feminist writers ever consider this having a thing to do with the child, only as a woman's servitude to a man, his appetites, his comfort at the expense of her freedom, her deprivation, her pain. The idea that having a child turns a woman's outlook away from self, and thus to emulate Christ, is totally denied or so taken for granted that it is ignored.
Susan,
I am not sure I had given a whole lot of thought to the submission to a husband aspect of the question. I suppose that since marriage and childbirth are expected to go hand-in-hand in Orthodoxy, it would make sense that childbearing comes in that context. Really, being married goes part of the way (and should go much of the way) towards the ideal of breaking us out of our self-focus. Further, submission is at the heart of Christian living, whether you are submitting to a confessor's guidance, a spouse, Church law, local clergy, scripture, the demands of your conscience, or an Abbot/Abbess - and through any or all of these to Christ. Basically, if you are a Christian and you are in the Church, there is no shortage of opportunities to deny yourself and submit. Marriage is one vehicle, but it's not the only one by any stretch. For most of us it will be our monastery, and the Church has set the husband as head. I wouldn't devalue that, I guess my thoughts are just looking at childbirth as its own phenomenon.
I guess what I am really getting at is that the critical component here is love. We can submit to the authorities in our lives for any number of reasons, but I can't help but think that maybe childbirth provides a depth of love that many people simply do not experience with any of the other vehicles of submission. Sure, we love our spouses -- one hopes we serve them out of love. We love God, perhaps we even love the Church. This matters to me because I think love has the capacity to turn mere obedience (out of fear, duty or any number of other motivations) into true whole-hearted longing. Since I struggle with this sort of love - I cannot begin to understand God's love - each time I experience a human love that goes beyond what I have known before, I feel I get a glimpse of divine love. Glimpsing God's love makes it easier for me to love Him.
Congrats Nikki and Daniel. All of St. Michael church prays for you and your baby at every liturgy.
Motherhood does have a way of moving one to prayer :)
Your commentary was the first that I'd ever heard coming from THAT direction. There is a great deal in Orthodoxy that starts from love first, then proceeds to 'organize' relationships to His glory.
Maybe also the chauvinist/feminist/Protestant? reaction is to taking it as the only means for women to grow in Christ. After all, where would that leave the sisters in a women's monastery? Or, "through the prayers of the Theotokos, save us"?
PS. Thanks for the removal of the extras.
Re my blog: Thomas is trying to find a MS Office 2007 update for me, although Office is a small part of the total package. When enough students sign up, we are supposed to study a program specific to patients' medical records. Also, I plan to post a long article on depression, and ask you not to hit that comment button until you read to the end.
Jen,
Thanks. We really appreciate the prayers, and miss you all at St. Michael!
Nikki
Susan,
Just for the record, whether or not I actually comment on the whole of a blog post, I do read it all. So, no need to worry about preemptive comments. :)
Nikki
Yes. And it will be a life-long motivator in this direction! : )
Congratulations, btw. I missed the news somewhere along the line.
Thanks, L.L.,
We're 15 weeks and a couple of days along now. The first trimester was unsettling due to some early bleeding from a subchorionic hemorrhage and, several weeks later, some unexplained bleeding, but we're hoping to be in for a more "normal" pregnancy at this point. I have a couple of potential complications to keep an eye on, but prognosis has looked good and we're very hopeful that we'll be able to carry this little one to term. :)
Nikki
Forwarded your prayer request to Father Joe.
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