Driven to my Knees

Fear, or love? I am not sure which motivation is stronger in my life. Sometimes I think it just depends on the day.

Whatever the case, I found myself sitting and talking to our local priest yesterday about some of my recent struggles, and when he asked about my prayer life, my answer was a bit unusual - even for me:

"Let me just explain it this way: I often wondered what the concept of women being saved by childbirth could possibly mean. I think I have developed a personal theory about this over the last several weeks. I've already felt so overwhelmed by love and concern for this tiny person inside of me, that while I am not particularly disciplined about when and how and what, I am praying much more often these days. At night, I pray specific prayers, but I also find myself praying extemporaneously throughout the day. I can only imagine how a mother's love grows and intensifies, and how this desperate longing for safety and protection of another life grows, when she has given birth and has a child in her arms."

It's true, I think... at least in my life. If I find salvation - I mean genuine transformation of my life, not simply a hope that God will keep on forgiving as quickly as I keep on sinning - then I can see how motherhood will be a huge catalyst.

The last year has been characterized by sorrow, anger and apathy, for the most part. It's not that life's circumstances warranted that, really. We've had real difficulties, but I am reminded daily that others suffer much more than I do - and often with a great deal more grace. I am very blessed in many respects, and I know it. I'm also, though, not a person of great faith. I find myself, in moments when I am honestly contemplating my spiritual self, having to repeat the same old refrain: "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!" And, honestly, sometimes the unbelief wins in my heart.

Nothing has moved me to prayer and towards spiritual things more than the recognition that I cannot focus exclusively on myself, or even my marriage, anymore. At this moment, a little person depends on my body for its life -- my body, which is the temple of the Holy Spirit. A little person will depend, Lord willing, on my life and example, for spiritual, moral, physical and every other kind of health for many years to come -- my life, which is likely to be one of the most prominent exemplars of Christianity that this child will encounter from the moment it takes its first breath of air.

No pressure.

In the face of it all, I don't know what other response to have, other than to fall to my knees, either literally or figuratively, and pray that my own life can be redeemed, and that this innocent will be sheltered and protected in spite of the failings of its mother.

Theologians can tell me what salvation through childbirth really means Biblically and practically. My heart tells me that this is the day of salvation. Now is the acceptable time... to be driven to my knees.

Prayers for Baby (and for Mommy)

I have a very predictable bedtime ritual these days. It involves lots of extemporaneous prayers for my own health as it pertains to that of our little baby, and especially for God's protection of this most precious little gift He has given us.

So far, so good.

The extemporaneous prayers are great - allowing me to fill in whatever specific thoughts and worries I may have as I go, and most nights I drift off to sleep with some prayer or another half-spoken in my heart. When my mind is too disordered to formulate complete thoughts, I meditate on the Jesus Prayer: Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner. That prayer has had particular power in my life some dark moments. Among other things, I have found that saying that little prayer will dissolve nightmares when I achieve consciousness of my dreams enough to pray. It is meant as an aide to the Biblical injunction to "pray without ceasing," which is possible if we teach our hearts to pray. I'm a very imperfect practitioner, but I do find that sometimes I become aware that I am praying it only after I have begun.

For all that, I had begun to look for some established prayers to use as well. Extemporaneous prayers are all about me, in many ways... my worries, my hurts, my gratitude, my wants, my will. One thing I like about more formal prayers that have been in use for centuries and across the globe is that those careful words make it all less about me and teach me the mind of the Church about my wants and worries. They let me know that I am not alone in my worries and fears. They allow my mind to find focus in ordered words - my mind that is so prone to worried wandering.

One would think that, since the Orthodox have a rich tradition of formal prayers, since the marriage service is full of admonitions to bear Godly children, and since childbirth is how we all got to be here, there might be quite a selection of topical prayers on the subject. If there is, I had trouble finding it. I finally found 3 prayers today, which was a great boon! I have chosen to share two of them here:

O Sovereign Lord Jesus Christ our God, the Source of life and immortality, I thank Thee, for in my marriage Thou has blest me to be a recipient of Thy blessing and gift; for Thou, O Master, didst say: Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth. I thank Thee and pray: Bless this fruit of my body that was given to me by Thee; favor it and animate it by Thy Holy Spirit, and let it grow a healthy and pure body, with well-formed limbs. Sanctify its body, mind, heart, and vitals, and grant this infant that is to be born an intelligent soul; establish him in the fear of Thee. A faithful angel, a guardian of soul and body, do thou vouchsafe him. Protect, keep, strengthen, and shelter the child in my womb until the hour of his birth. But conceal him not in his mother's womb; Thou gavest him life and health. O Lord Jesus Christ, into Thine almighty and paternal hands do I entrust my child. Place him upon the right hand of Thy grace, and through Thy Holy Spirit sanctify him and renew him unto life everlasting, that he may be a communicant of Thy Heavenly Kingdom.

Amen.

O All-Merciful Christ our God, look down and protect me, Thy handmaiden, from fear and from evil spirits that seek to destroy the work of Thy hands. And when my hour and time is come, deliver me by Thy grace. Look with compassionate eye and deliver me, Thy handmaiden, from pain. Lighten mine infirmity in the time of my travail and grant me fortitude and strength for birth giving, and hasten it by Thine almighty help. For this is Thy glorious work, the power of Thine omnipotence, the work of Thy grace and tender-heartedness.

Amen.

I wonder if I could sleep at all if not for the priviledge of taking my thoughts and worries and hopes, as the old Baptist hymn says, "to the Lord in prayer."

P.S. Another thing for which to be grateful: the OB office called today to let me know that all of the bloodwork they have done to date is fine - among other things, I don't carry the cystic fibrosis gene mutation, and the baby does not appear to be at risk of having any of the trisomies.