I don't do a very good job of predicting the future. Not in big things; not in small things. For instance, every time I think, "Hey, I'll have time/energy/lots to say and will get a new blog post up," something comes and takes the wind out of my sails. I guess I am rather easy to deflate these days. Time I have. A desire to share what's on my heart I have. The ability to know how to do that, I don't.
Dan and I were talking last night, and I realized that one of my self-preservation mechanisms is working overtime. That is, as badly as I want and need people to socialize with, and as rapidly and drastically as my social circle has shrunk lately (talking to people at work online was a huge part of my contact with the outside world), I think I am uniquely reluctant to make any connections. This has been true since we moved to North Carolina to some extent, but it has become worse in the last two or three months. I think this is largely because I don't know where we will live in a month, and I am so afraid of letting people down and losing new connections that I don't want to connect with anyone new. This means I don't want to go to church here, either. We've been so busy with moving and guests and other impediments large and small that it has been very easy just to not go. I don't want to volunteer, even though I am sure there are plenty of volunteer organizations in the area that could use hands. The future is so uncertain that I feel paralyzed in the present.
It's all very silly, I know. Especially for someone as naturally social as I can be. I talk easily with people, as evidenced by what happened this last weekend when Dan and I went to Raleigh for a free Hurricane's hockey event. We were sitting in line (it was a long line and we brought chairs) to get into the building for player autographs. The sun was intense in the line area, and I was sans sunscreen, so Dan suggested that I go sit on some nearby steps that were in the shade of the building. I took his suggestion and my book and plopped down on the stairs. I had been there about 3 minutes when a woman came and sat near me and started talking with me about her two passions: writing (she has self-published a novel) and the Hurricanes Booster Club (she's on the club's board). By the time I left that spot, I knew quite a few things about her and may have had a new connection, except that I counted the hours between my current home and the club activities she mentioned that I could really enjoy and decided a bit sadly that it wasn't for me. It's not hard for me to make connections. It's just hard to want to maintain them when my life is in flux and I don't know where I live or what I will do for a living in a month or two.
I find the same reluctance in my job and housing search. Both have been fairly anemic so far, in part because until Dan is hired solidly by his company and until we know what his job will offer by way of benefits and pay, I don't know where I want to live and what sort of job I will need going forward. Can I take a lower-pay part-time position? Do I need a full-time position with benefits? Where should I look? Near where we live now? Near where we left, since that's where I would rather be if Dan's job falls through? I have a deep longing to be settled, to have my familiar things around me. I don't like sitting on someone else's furniture every day and cooking with strange dishes. I want to feel like I have a home again, and I can't bring myself to feel that here, even as I spend more of my time "keeping house".
There is a bitter sweetness to my life in this moment. I am happier in some ways than I have been in many years. In others, I am more depressed than I have been for a long time. It's no mystery to me why I feel either way, or both ways. All of the little gains and losses of life add up to one big muddle, and until I feel a strong sense of direction, I fear I will feel that I have lost my moorings.
The most ridiculous aspect of all of this is that I have sometimes lost sight of what makes this time of life no different from any other, namely that I am never in control, and I never know what the future holds. Every aspect of my life can change in a moment, and greater chaos than I feel now can come at the most routine of times. What does that mean? Well, all that I am feeling is subjective. I'm enslaved to the whim of the moment, the latest bit of news, the newest change of circumstance. I lose sight of the fact that God is unchanging in his love, and that while I may allow myself to be tossed about by circumstance, a firm foundation is withing reach if I dare to put down roots. I'd like to, and I need to... but I am afraid to try.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Kissing Cousins? Oh my!
The past two days I have spent working on our family tree. It's a fun, obsessive activity for me, and it can take up hours at a time, allowing me to avoid the other things I should be doing. I've been in something of a crash mode since getting back from the old house for the last time on Tuesday afternoon. I know I have to go again tomorrow or Saturday, so I am sort of checking my brain into other things for a while, with the full knowledge that I need to start up with some other important things on Monday.
Well, once in a while I discover something kind of cool in my family chart digging. Today, what I discovered was a bit shocking. I found an interesting wrinkle in Dan's family: a man married a woman whose grandfather was his own father! I think that would be a bit more troubling these days, but I guess marrying close relatives was all the rage in bygone eras.
But there's more! You see, Daniel and I are cousins. Before you call the civil and church authorities, we're something like 20th cousins 4 times removed, so I think we're legal in all 50 states. That's my very inexact calculation, and someone who understands the whole cousin calculation situation better than I can correct me if they like, but it's clear that we're sufficiently distant.
In any event, Daniel and I are tied by blood in jolly Olde England -- Elmley Castle in Worcestershire, to be precise -- in the early 13th century, in the person of one William de Beauchamp, Lord of Elmley.
Now, I have known for many years that I spring from a long line of Beauchamps, as I had the dubious distinction of being of the Beauchamp bloodline through an all-male line of descent for 19 generations, broken only when my Beauchamp great-grandmother married and surrendered her Beauchamp name. What I didn't know is that while I descended from the Beauchamps of England, I narrowly missed descending from what I will refer to as the "cool" branch of the family that Daniel, lucky son-of-a-Beauchamp (sorry), managed to descend from, even though his line didn't keep the surname alive for such a long time.
Why is that the "cool" branch? Well, while my part of the family was busy keeping the name alive through various and sundry 5th-born sons and the like, Dan's line was busy surveying their newly-inherited Warwick Castle, which his part of the family would hold for 5 or 6 generations, until a Beauchamp woman in his direct line married her way out of the name and the Castle inheritance. (The Beauchamps only held the castle for one or two generations after that anyway).
So, why is this so cool? Warwick Castle just happens to be the only castle in England that we have visited together! It's a bit of an amusement park now, with the pricetag to match, but it is also beautifully preserved. When we were in the town of Warwick and visited the church there, we spoke to a docent of my Beauchamp forebears... but little did we know that Dan had some of his own, and that they owned the castle! I'll dig up photos from our time there eventually, but in the meantime, I offer this one in public domain:
See, William and Isabel (our mutual great-great-etc. grandparents) had at least two sons. Their son William (Dan's great-great-etc.-1 grandfather) managed to inherit the castle from his maternal uncle. Their other son, Walter, (my great-great-etc.-1 grandfather) didn't... but he did manage to keep the bloodline going in my direction! *sigh*
Ah well... as they say, time heals all wounds. I have now married back into distant descendants of the cool Beauchamp line. What I couldn't do by birth, I could do by marriage... and by accident!
Ah well, castle or no castle, this is one cousin I intend to go right on kissing!
Well, once in a while I discover something kind of cool in my family chart digging. Today, what I discovered was a bit shocking. I found an interesting wrinkle in Dan's family: a man married a woman whose grandfather was his own father! I think that would be a bit more troubling these days, but I guess marrying close relatives was all the rage in bygone eras.
But there's more! You see, Daniel and I are cousins. Before you call the civil and church authorities, we're something like 20th cousins 4 times removed, so I think we're legal in all 50 states. That's my very inexact calculation, and someone who understands the whole cousin calculation situation better than I can correct me if they like, but it's clear that we're sufficiently distant.
In any event, Daniel and I are tied by blood in jolly Olde England -- Elmley Castle in Worcestershire, to be precise -- in the early 13th century, in the person of one William de Beauchamp, Lord of Elmley.
Now, I have known for many years that I spring from a long line of Beauchamps, as I had the dubious distinction of being of the Beauchamp bloodline through an all-male line of descent for 19 generations, broken only when my Beauchamp great-grandmother married and surrendered her Beauchamp name. What I didn't know is that while I descended from the Beauchamps of England, I narrowly missed descending from what I will refer to as the "cool" branch of the family that Daniel, lucky son-of-a-Beauchamp (sorry), managed to descend from, even though his line didn't keep the surname alive for such a long time.
Why is that the "cool" branch? Well, while my part of the family was busy keeping the name alive through various and sundry 5th-born sons and the like, Dan's line was busy surveying their newly-inherited Warwick Castle, which his part of the family would hold for 5 or 6 generations, until a Beauchamp woman in his direct line married her way out of the name and the Castle inheritance. (The Beauchamps only held the castle for one or two generations after that anyway).
So, why is this so cool? Warwick Castle just happens to be the only castle in England that we have visited together! It's a bit of an amusement park now, with the pricetag to match, but it is also beautifully preserved. When we were in the town of Warwick and visited the church there, we spoke to a docent of my Beauchamp forebears... but little did we know that Dan had some of his own, and that they owned the castle! I'll dig up photos from our time there eventually, but in the meantime, I offer this one in public domain:
See, William and Isabel (our mutual great-great-etc. grandparents) had at least two sons. Their son William (Dan's great-great-etc.-1 grandfather) managed to inherit the castle from his maternal uncle. Their other son, Walter, (my great-great-etc.-1 grandfather) didn't... but he did manage to keep the bloodline going in my direction! *sigh*
Ah well... as they say, time heals all wounds. I have now married back into distant descendants of the cool Beauchamp line. What I couldn't do by birth, I could do by marriage... and by accident!
Ah well, castle or no castle, this is one cousin I intend to go right on kissing!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
The elephant in the blog
In a recent post, I mentioned that I anticipated making several blog posts to catch up on what's been happening in our lives because I would have time on my hands. Hahahaha. I honestly intended to, but the circumstances of our lives have become more complicated rather than less so, which has meant, on balance, that I haven't had time to blog. The biggest news is that, effective Sept 17, I have been laid off. In the meantime, I haven't been working. Instead, I have been shoving the tangible expressions of our home-life and history into boxes and moving all of our belongings into storage, patching walls, painting and scrubbing the mostly empty surfaces of the place we called home for a little over a year.
I don't think -- my departure from the family home at 19 aside -- that I have ever been so sad to leave a place, but with Dan still only working on contract and my job no more, we couldn't hold on to our little house any longer. The decision was made quickly and the majority of the move itself was accomplished in about a week. It reminds me a bit of when Dan and I got married... when I decide to do something, I can often be incredibly efficient. Once I settled on the groom, I had lined up a church, dress, caterer, band, and just about every other large detail of the day in about a week. :D Similarly, this move has been a whirlwind of just doing what must be done.
The job loss is a mixed bag, as you might imagine. The bad parts should be rather obvious: financial worries, doubts, feelings of failure, worries about finding a job when unemployment is at record highs, fear of starting over again. *sigh* I'm not immune to those things by any means. However, what I find more interesting is the rest of my reaction ... The reactions of the parts of me that remain hopeful and look forward to new opportunities. I guess this means that there is some degree of relief, some degree of resignation, even though I might not have chosen to leave on my own. There are three main things that come to mind that are positive factors in the midst of the worries and fears:
1. I've been missing working with people. That's not to say my coworkers were inhuman :P -- I mean with people I can see in person with cubicles or desks I can show up at. There are a couple of reasons for this, but the deepest of them is what my past work habits had meant. I tended to work insane hours. I spent so much of the last year connecting to California via the internet that I have didn't get out much. As a result, I made only 2 or 3 friends or acquaintances (of varying degrees) in the entire time I've lived in North Carolina. The lack of local friends makes it easier to relocate 2 hours away... but who wants it to be easy that way? I mean, if you know me well, you know I am more social than that. It's been difficult to feel so isolated, and I am definitely ready to get out of the house...
2. ... which brings me to the another good aspect: the ability to potentially leave work at work and have a home that is a haven from work's stresses and worries. I worry excessively anyway, but I found it incredibly difficult to not carry all of my stresses with me all of the time, because work was at home and home was at work.
3. Finally, if I am honest, I have to confess that over the past year or so, I had gotten to the point where I was deeply dissatisfied. The best way I can describe the "why" of the matter is that I didn't like the person I was at work anymore. I don't meant that I am inherently incompetent or anything, it was just that all of the particulars of the work setting and my personal situation, I think, brought out some of the worst in me. Rather than feeling the joy of the things I did well, most of the time I felt uneasy and worried. Again, this isn't a criticism of the company or the people I worked with, I think it was just what came from the convergence of difficult circumstances surrounding me during this most trying year.
Of course, I can also derive some comfort from the certainty I have now. I'm certain that I won't have the same job in the matter of days. I'm also sad about that and can't help be feel at times that the change represents my failure, but it's really kind of nice to know what the future holds: options I would never have considered otherwise.
I can't help but feel the timing is kind of bad... but there's never a good time for these things. I recall my Dad's job loss right about the time he had to bury his own dad. Now THAT was bad timing. Timing for us could be better, because Dan's job is still a non-permanent contract, we have huge expenses because of our transition between cities, and our benefits will run out with my job. In another way, though, the timing is great, because in the next few weeks Daniel's job will either solidify into something permanent in this area or not; the way that works out may influence where we choose to live now where I (or both of us, for that matter) ought to look for a new job.
So... I will update the blog. Among other things, I have lots of pictures from our visit with Steve and Jayne and the boys that I want to share. I did, however, want to name and talk about the elephant in the blog. It's name is "Change", and it's charging at me again.
On a lighter note, I thought I would thank two of my faithful helpers during the move process: Monte, who can be seen here on box security patrol,
and MooMoo, who is pictured testing the suitability of a box for carriage of delicate contents. 
Monte kept the burglars and mice at bay, and MooMoo snuggled with me and with the boxes to make sure that she remained well-rested and ready for whatever the day might hold. The kitties also, when they were there with me, helped me not feel quite so very alone in the world. That was their greatest mercy.
I'll end on a musical note... We plan to attend our first rehearsal with the Choral Society of Greensboro tonight. I'm looking forward to that very much. There's no audition to weather, so we'll just show up and sing. Sounds like fun to me. :)
I don't think -- my departure from the family home at 19 aside -- that I have ever been so sad to leave a place, but with Dan still only working on contract and my job no more, we couldn't hold on to our little house any longer. The decision was made quickly and the majority of the move itself was accomplished in about a week. It reminds me a bit of when Dan and I got married... when I decide to do something, I can often be incredibly efficient. Once I settled on the groom, I had lined up a church, dress, caterer, band, and just about every other large detail of the day in about a week. :D Similarly, this move has been a whirlwind of just doing what must be done.
The job loss is a mixed bag, as you might imagine. The bad parts should be rather obvious: financial worries, doubts, feelings of failure, worries about finding a job when unemployment is at record highs, fear of starting over again. *sigh* I'm not immune to those things by any means. However, what I find more interesting is the rest of my reaction ... The reactions of the parts of me that remain hopeful and look forward to new opportunities. I guess this means that there is some degree of relief, some degree of resignation, even though I might not have chosen to leave on my own. There are three main things that come to mind that are positive factors in the midst of the worries and fears:
1. I've been missing working with people. That's not to say my coworkers were inhuman :P -- I mean with people I can see in person with cubicles or desks I can show up at. There are a couple of reasons for this, but the deepest of them is what my past work habits had meant. I tended to work insane hours. I spent so much of the last year connecting to California via the internet that I have didn't get out much. As a result, I made only 2 or 3 friends or acquaintances (of varying degrees) in the entire time I've lived in North Carolina. The lack of local friends makes it easier to relocate 2 hours away... but who wants it to be easy that way? I mean, if you know me well, you know I am more social than that. It's been difficult to feel so isolated, and I am definitely ready to get out of the house...
2. ... which brings me to the another good aspect: the ability to potentially leave work at work and have a home that is a haven from work's stresses and worries. I worry excessively anyway, but I found it incredibly difficult to not carry all of my stresses with me all of the time, because work was at home and home was at work.
3. Finally, if I am honest, I have to confess that over the past year or so, I had gotten to the point where I was deeply dissatisfied. The best way I can describe the "why" of the matter is that I didn't like the person I was at work anymore. I don't meant that I am inherently incompetent or anything, it was just that all of the particulars of the work setting and my personal situation, I think, brought out some of the worst in me. Rather than feeling the joy of the things I did well, most of the time I felt uneasy and worried. Again, this isn't a criticism of the company or the people I worked with, I think it was just what came from the convergence of difficult circumstances surrounding me during this most trying year.
Of course, I can also derive some comfort from the certainty I have now. I'm certain that I won't have the same job in the matter of days. I'm also sad about that and can't help be feel at times that the change represents my failure, but it's really kind of nice to know what the future holds: options I would never have considered otherwise.
I can't help but feel the timing is kind of bad... but there's never a good time for these things. I recall my Dad's job loss right about the time he had to bury his own dad. Now THAT was bad timing. Timing for us could be better, because Dan's job is still a non-permanent contract, we have huge expenses because of our transition between cities, and our benefits will run out with my job. In another way, though, the timing is great, because in the next few weeks Daniel's job will either solidify into something permanent in this area or not; the way that works out may influence where we choose to live now where I (or both of us, for that matter) ought to look for a new job.
So... I will update the blog. Among other things, I have lots of pictures from our visit with Steve and Jayne and the boys that I want to share. I did, however, want to name and talk about the elephant in the blog. It's name is "Change", and it's charging at me again.
On a lighter note, I thought I would thank two of my faithful helpers during the move process: Monte, who can be seen here on box security patrol,
and MooMoo, who is pictured testing the suitability of a box for carriage of delicate contents. 
Monte kept the burglars and mice at bay, and MooMoo snuggled with me and with the boxes to make sure that she remained well-rested and ready for whatever the day might hold. The kitties also, when they were there with me, helped me not feel quite so very alone in the world. That was their greatest mercy.I'll end on a musical note... We plan to attend our first rehearsal with the Choral Society of Greensboro tonight. I'm looking forward to that very much. There's no audition to weather, so we'll just show up and sing. Sounds like fun to me. :)
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